Are you worried about the Yankees' abysmal start? You’re not alone. As we suffer through another putrid April, I would characterize my favorite team as being poorly managed, suffering from a weak bench, and having a woeful starting rotation.

If the Yankees continue to play like this, exposing their glaring weaknesses on a nightly basis, and being led by an inept Manager whose last good game was in 2001, then the following article may be representative of what we are reading in the New York Post and Daily News come September.

September 6, 2007
NEW YORK—The Yankees fell to 44-94 last night as they dropped their third straight to Seattle, 3-2. Adrian Beltre scored on a sacrifice fly to shallow center field to put the Mariners ahead for good in the top of the 9th. Scott Proctor, pitching in his 124 game of the season, was saddled with the loss.

Bernie Williams (recently re-signed due to the heat put on management by WFAN’s Mike Francesca) caught the high pop twenty feet behind 2nd base. He had trouble hitting the cut-off man, Doug Mientkiewicz, as his throw skipped several times before it hit the 2nd base bag and meandered sluggishly toward the 3rd base line.

“I’ve noticed lately that Bernie has had a little trouble on his throws" Manager Joe Torre said after the game. “That may be something we’ll have to keep an eye on as we get deeper into the season.”

Throughout the game, the Yankees wasted several opportunities to score. In the 5th inning, they had the bases loaded and no one out when Doug Mientkiewicz, mired in a 5-124 slump, popped up to 3rd baseman Adrian Beltre.

Mientkiewicz still earned praise from his Manager: “There’s no question that Dougie is forcing it a little” Torre said, “but we have to give him some time to turn it around. After all, this is the guy who hit .076 in Spring Training. That’s got to be worth something.” Torre also added that he had no plans to take him "out of the 2-hole."

The Yankees missed another opportunity when back-up catcher Will Nieves, 0-75 on the season, flied out to right with the bases jammed and two out in the 2nd. It marked only the second time this season that Nieves hit a ball out of the infield.

“No question,” a yawning Torre told Kim Jones, “I talked to Donny the other day and we are thinking of asking Nieves to take some extra BP.”

Torre continued: “I am confident my guys will come around. 44-94 is not a record I’d have signed up for at the beginning of the season, but these are my guys and I think we can turn it around in these last 24 games. Hopefully, the upcoming trip to Kansas City will clear our minds a little.”

Torre also noted that Carl Pavano, whom the Yankees signed for $39.5 million, was recuperating nicely from the pinched testicle he suffered when he put his protective cup on the wrong way before a rehab assignment in Scranton. “It’s been one thing after another this year,” Pavano lamented to reporters. “No sooner do I get over the separated shoulder I got from waving at my mail man, and then that infection from the weird rash, and now this testicle issue. But I don't want to push things."

Catcher Jorge Posada was overheard saying to Derek Jeter:
"Pavano's got testicles? I gotta tell ya, I've been afraid to sneak a peak in the showers all this time."

General Manager Brian Cashman, however, sounded optimistic that Pavano could still help the team. “We are hopeful of extending Carl’s contract two more years. We will deal with that as soon as I finalize the Eric Milton acquisition.”

Cashman added, “At 44-94, we are still in the wildcard hunt. Things haven’t worked out for us this year, but we will work day and night to improve the product."


Other News and Notes:

Before last night, according to the Elias Sports Bureau, Kyle Farnsworth did not have an 0-2 count on any batter while he has been a member of the New York Yankees. Farnsworth broke the snide when he threw two consecutive strikes to Ichiro Suzuki, who was leading off the 7th inning for the Mariners. Farnsworth then threw four straight balls to Ichiro. It was Suzuki’s first walk of the season.

Mike Mussina's shipment of peanut butter was late arriving to the Yankees' hotel in Detroit last week. According to sources close to the persnickety pitcher, the mental anguish of this traumatic event caused Mike to loose concentration in the Yanks' 11-2 loss Tuesday night.

According to sources on the "Baseball Think Factory" website, a haven for the baseball fan with a sabermetric bent, Miguel Cairo’s on-base percentage is now lower than his batting average, which is .000. Baseball Geeks are at a loss to explain how this is possible.

The Commissioner’s Office announced that the Yankees will have to pay $98 million in luxury taxes next year as a penalty for their excessive payroll. Brian Cashman, the architect of the 44-94 ball club, responded by firing 1st base coach Tony Pena.

Persistent rumors that Melky Cabrera keeps live chickens in his locker are unfounded, according to team officials. Sources say that the "clucking" sound emanating from the clubhouse is actually Kimberly Jones practicing her post-game interviews.

According to Page Six of the New York Post, Derek Jeter has not been on a date since May.